On being nice

I’d been trying to articulate my thoughts on why the whole mentality of “We should all be nice and never say anything mean to anyone” strikes me as silly, but, and here’s the ironic bit, I couldn’t figure out a way to say what I had in mind in an even-handed way, which is the tone I want to come across. Finally I decided fuck even-handedness. Here’s what I think.
What has bothered me ever since I started reading romance even semi-seriously a couple of years ago was that there was no way to voice a dissenting opinion about anything. There still isn’t, in a lot of places. A friend of mine recently told me that on a Yahoo group she is on, the mods made people stop discussing the Cassie Edwards plaigiarism issue because there might be CE fans on the list who might be offended. And after my mouth hung open in astounded “What the fuck?”, I eventually came to the conclusion that that loop would not be a good place for me. Because while I have nothing substantial to say about the CE plaigiarism issue beyond the fact that I still don’t have a clue how to spell plaigiarism, I think it is something that needs to be discussed, and I think that potential new readers ought to get some idea of what they might be picking up.

I’m also a cynic and I nitpick liek whoa. I did that even before I started reviewing on my blog, and I will probably always do it. Because 99 percent of what I read isn’t omgthebestthingeva! and I imagine that 99 percent of what most people read has flaws, too. That’s why I really love me some Dear Author and Smart Bitches. When I discovered SB and later DA, I was relieved. “Whoa,” I said to myself. “People who won’t blow sunshine up my ass and will tell me that something sucks.” Furthermore, it was sites like those that made me feel better about my reading tastes. These were people that were proud of what they read, and had no shame in pointing out that they read Dara Joy or LaVyrle Spencer or Judith McNaught. Sometimes controversy happened, but I was OK with it, because even when I didn’t have an opinion on a topic, I found the discussion fascinating.

All that is to say, I don’t think I’d have started seriously reading romance if it weren’t for the supposed mean girl bloggers. Remember that bit where I said I was cynical and nit-picky? Yeah. So are Candy and Sarah and Jane and Jayne, and so if they recommend a book, then I’m probably at least going to like it if not outright enjoy it.

Not that I’m a mean girl fangirl. OK, I am, but I have disagreed with them. Karen Scott, for example, will never convince me that reading literotica is inherently bad or that there’s no place for, say, twincest in romance. I’ll admit that sometimes I find her a bit too quick to judge people without getting all her facts, and the anonymice that comment on her blog are sometimes too out and out mean, even for me. I also think Jane of Dear Author can be a bit too terse for my tastes, and I can understand why someone wouldn’t necessarily want to visit a site called Smart Bitches, Trashy Books for fun. But I do think those bloggers all have value, and I like what they have to say. Besides, I never would have encountered some of the really cool people I’ve met in romancelandia if it hadn’t been for the mean girls. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have read some of the authors I’m really digging lately, like Meljean Brook and December Quinn, if I hadn’t liked their postings on SB and DA.

And here’s the other thing about mean girls in any community. Every community has them. A friend was telling me about a message board his wife frequents, which is about collectable dolls. There are mean girls in the collectable doll community. When I was actively Pagan (not just the questioning agnostic I am today), I discovered mean girls in the Pagan community. And there are people that will get into frothing fits of self-righteous anger every time someone mentions Fandom Wank. So the romance community isn’t the only one with mean girls, because obviously there are mean girls pretty much everywhere online. I mean, hell, there are mean girls in knitting communities, which, to me seems like the kind of activity engaged in by sweet little old ladies who you wouldn’t think would have a mean thought in their head.

Lastly, I want to talk for a moment about sisterhood. I have a sister, and so everytime anyone mentions the sisterhood with regard to romance, I start to giggle. Because let me tell you about my relationship with my sister.

I love my sister. I would give her the shirt off my back if she asked it of me. She has held me when I’ve cried, we’ve shared some laughs and there’s pretty much nothing we wouldn’t tell each other. That being said, we are the first to pick at each other. If you look on my long disused Myspace page, you will see comments from my sister. I believe one of them involves her calling me a whore. They probably all do. Because twisted as it is, that’s an expression of love. And you bet if my sister ever got caught blatantly plaigiarizing from a huge collection of sources, I would make fun of her for it endlessly, and I wouldn’t have that much sympathy for her. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still love her to distraction, but she’d certainly understand that I disapproved. And I think that the romance community needs more of people being honest and actually saying what we think than it does all the sticking together, holding hands and singing Kum Baya.